(this equals the honesty that has been building in my for so long I don’t even know. I don’t like flat out talking about it because I feel like a failure, the good Christian kid who can’t handle grown up faith. and yet, it is all true. Today more than most. So… mom, you aren’t going to like it, but this is not a reflection on you, k? this is just me.)
Sometimes I think life would be easier if I didn’t believe.
If I didn’t have this deep, inset belief that God exists, that He is the ruler, the Father, the Creator of all good.
If I could just believe that crap happens and there is no explanation.
If I didn’t think that prayer is suppose to change things.
It is supposed to change things, right?
I pray. I pray so hard. Not for myself, but for them. For peace. For him stop punishing himself, for him to believe it is okay to be happy. For smiles and not tears. For God to make himself known.
I don’t see it happening. I found out today that the third of the 3 things I have poured my soul out praying for the past 7 months is failing.
Why bother? Tell me that. If there is this cosmic plan and nothing I say changes anything why do I have to talk to God about it? I know… conversation and all that. But still…
I try so hard to keep faith, but really, as the months have gone… I don’t. I hardly go to church. I don’t read my bible, I don’t pray. Not really. Not anymore. The faith I fought so hard to make my own in College is circling the drain.
and yet I still believe. I still believe he is God. I still believe he has a plan. I don’t know what it is, and up to this point I don’t like anything about it, but I still can’t make myself NOT believe. Sometimes I can feel the broken dreams surrounding me. I can hear it when I talk to the people whom I love. I can see it in my life when I see the decisions I made last year, that now maybe weren’t the most logical, but at the time… when dreams start dying it is so easy to give up. Do the easy thing. I am so scared for them… that they give up and do the easy thing.
I feel so alone sometimes. So alone, in my world where people believe and I struggle so much. Where my friends love me, but they don’t understand the pain I can’t explain. How the pain of others’ broken dreams are dragging down my spirit so much more than any dream of mine. How I can admit out loud that I am angry at my God and not really talking to him anymore.
I went to WinterJam last night, and it was awesome. Halfway through the first band, RED, they played a song that made me sit up and listen. Made me want to start communicating again.
Reminded me that even when I can’t see Him, can’t feel Him, can’t make myself want to believe in Him, I am not alone. He has been with me through this whole journey, and HE has been with them, the ones I am hurting for, and when we are ready, He is waiting.
I want this to be my attitude. I NEED this to be my attitude. I don’t know how to get there anymore, but maybe… maybe I can rebuild my faith, so that it once more is something worth talking about.
I wonder, deep in my soul, if God knew this week would push me past my limits, and gave me a night of praise to build me up first. Music means so much more than words sometimes… sometimes music is what gets into my brain and stays there.
I believe. There is a God. He is good. I have to believe that. So now, I guess my job is to learn to translate that belief into a faith in Him. Believing He exists and having faith in Him, 2 different things I am learning. Sooo… we shall see.
It is time to start praying again, I am thinking.