priorities.

I hit a wall last night. I don’t know why, at that moment, sitting at my dining room table in a good mood studying I all of a sudden burst into tears, but i did, and proceeded to cry for most of the next 18hrs.  I acknowledged how much I hate school, I hate the format, how stressed I am regarding getting it all done and how much I want to quit. and how much wanting to quit makes me feel like a failure, because I should be able to handle this. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO! was running through my head.  Long talks with my mom as I struggled with what to do ended with her looking me in the eye and telling me to drop the class.  As she is perhaps the wisest person I know (and, honestly, the one who understands me the most as I am pretty much a 30year younger version of her) I usually listen to what she says, but still… felt like admitting I wasn’t good enough.

Not good enough to handle school, work, life, travel, other peoples weddings, parties.  People do this all the time, you know.  Handle school and work and husbands and kids (I don’t have either, that should make it easier, yes?) Why can’t I? 

All this is running around my head, making me dizzy. The thought of picking up my school books made me want to throw up. The thought of quitting made me want to cry. (well, I was pretty much already crying, but you know what I mean). 

Mom had to leave so she had dad call, and as I sat there crying and telling him I was having a mental breakdown and that I can’t do this and that everything was a mess, he, being dad, stayed calm and told me that logically speaking there is a lot going on and this is what can give. and the reason he, my brilliant highly respected in his field dad, doesn’t have his doctorate, is because he didn’t have time.  Priorities.  You have to have them.

(reasons my dad is my dad and I am me)

Me:  I am having a mental breakdown, dad!!!!

Dad: why do you say that?

Me: because I have been crying for 18hrs and my nose is red and hurts and won’t stop running and I don’t know what to do.

Dad: sounds to me like you are having a nose breakdown, but your mental capacity seems fine.

(only my father)

Somehow it works. Mom understanding how I look at things and Dad telling me the practical non-emotional side and me not crying anymore. I am a very blessed person indeed.

Tonight I cheered for the packers while they won while bemoaning the fact that Rodgers failed miserably in fantasy points in leading them to that win.  I couldn’t sleep so I got up and took a long hot bubble bath and read an old favorite of a book.  I thought about the fact that the author (my favorite!) has her first new book in 7 years coming out this fall and I am going to have time to read it.  I made a to-do list for tomorrow, one that doesn’t involve the 6hrs of studying I was originally planning on.

I am going to pack for a week with one of my closest friends, exploring a new city and cheering my team and climbing a volcano.

I am going to mail invitations for a bachelorette party #1 and order invites for a bridal shower #2.

I am going to make cream cheese mints for bridal shower #1. That one could be interesting.

I am going to chase down my cousin and take her out for a drink and make sure she is okay.

I am going to clean my house enough so that when I get back with the craziness of the next 2 weeks I smile when I walk into my home.

I am going to wrap my nephews birthday present and get together the stuff for his first birthday photo shoot.

I am going to go to JC Pennys and Targets and Davids bridal.

I am going to have a late night dinner with my sister and brother.

 

The priority in my life is the people in my life.  Investing in their lives, letting them in mine, spending time with them, loving every minute.  I can’t do that if I am stressing uncontrollably about school. In the list of things I need to do, school is the one I can drop.  Being a part of the awesome life that I get to call mine?  Not something I am willing to sacrifice for the goal of a degree.  This might be a temporary decision.  Who knows, I might go back in January. Or I might decide that maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing.  I think, though, that I need to redefine my definition of failure, because I think I might just possibly be doing the important things right. 

Green!

I have grass.  It makes me slightly over the top excited, but it is beautiful and worthy of smiles. (And we all know smiles are a good thing)

Isn't my house pretty with a flat yard without dead trees or roots or yellow grass?

I am going to forget how long it took to get done and instead consider my big brother my house's hero. 

GAAP Day 5. (Or 8, depending)

I skipped some days.  Didn’t overly feel like having an attitude adjustment on friday, to be honest…

I think I might get myself a dog for Christmas.  And yes, that has both everything and nothing to do with anything. 

I got tired of being in a bad mood today, so I made strawberry shortcake, tilapia, butter pecan sweet potatoes and squash, had company over for dinner, and watched some Olympic games.  I haven’t decided what exactly I am going to be doing this fall, but I do know that I have been giving the uncertainty a tad too much power. 

Also?

Summer isn’t all bad. 

Tonight is a happy night :)

The great attitude adjustment project, part...4?

Today was pretty awesome.
1. My hallway looks great
2. My dad came and helped me hang lights in my den so I can read in there
3. I had a great workout that almost killed me.
4. The books I wanted were actually at the library
5.  I made headway on controlling the chaos.
6. I made grandpa happy with a book of the pictures I took at grandma's funeral. I also made him cry, but tears are part of life.  He told me that he has been "told" that grandma is happy and enjoying herself... that she is okay.  I am glad he has that knowledge.  Knowing she isn't struggling to breathe anymore is what makes walking past an empty room every visit doable.

Time for a good day to end. Night!

The great attitude adjustment, Day 3

My hallway is slowly but surely turning the color I want, which means I am slowly but surely marking things off of my list.  I like marking things off of my list.

I get to take pictures this weekend.  I like taking pictures.  Taking more pictures is also on my list.

Life is good.

The great attitude adjustment project, Day 2

 

This guy is moving to Arkansas in 10 days.  Can we hear a “hallelujah”? 

There will be smiles and cuddly weekends coming my way soon. 

The great attitude adjustment project

I am tired of complaining about being stressed and overwhelmed.  Life is good. It is time for me to remember why.

 

day 1:

Today I am grateful for her:

   

It is Joanna’s birthday,and while I don’t get to spend it with her I did get to go to dinner with her on Saturday, and it was a lovely end to an incredibly long day shopping for dresses.  Life can never be to overwhelming when Joanna is around to laugh with. 

Grandpa

I sat in a weirdly quiet apartment tonight and talked with my grandpa.  We talked about life, about how good his has been, about how much he loved grandma.  How she supported him in everything, but also knocked him down a peg a time or two when he needed it.  How lonely he is now, but not sad, because death is part of life and she is no longer suffering.

He kept looking at the program I made for her service and mentioning how much he loved the picture, how he smiled every time he saw it.

I want that kind of love someday. 

 

 

Tomorrow there will be a pumpkin pie baking.  We all deserve comfort food this week, and that was his choice. 

Grandma

She loved her grandkids.

We loved her.

(grandma and corrie, circa 1988)

 

I don’t think there are words to express how much her love meant to me, how big the loss is.  The shock the first time I walked into the apartment and she wasn’t there to say hi too.

The relief that she can now breathe without gasping, without needing roxinol. That she can get out of bed, move without pain.

I read the letters that have come pouring in, of people who loved my grandma.  Who had stories of bridge games, movie nights in DC, road trips to santa fe.  She made a difference in people’s lives, made the lives of those around a little bit better.  Memories of her have made everyone smile.

That is the best legacy I can think of someone leaving.

There is a little less awesome in the world today than there was a week ago

Time

The thing which we knew was coming, the end we have been preparing for, is coming.  It took longer than we expected, and is happening faster than we want. 

I pray for peace.  For her, and for him, and for my momma and for my aunts.  For us all.  I am grateful for time.  For the love I get to see surrounding this apartment, for the love I know she feels.

Sometime soon I am going to cry.  Crying is good for the soul, right? 

<p>My mom made me new curtains from Alexander Henry fabric, and i adore them :) my mom is awesome!

Reminding

Sometimes I have to remind myself that life is good

When I am having a semester with bad professors and too many group projects

and I constantly questions whether or not I really want to be doing this

and I have been kind of sick for a month and really sick for a week

and I want my best friend to live closer (well, she does, just not close enough)

and I want to sew and take pictures and travel

and not study. or be sick.

at those times I have to remind myself that life is good.

really good.

so VERY VERY GOOD!

(kansas sunset> jamaica sunset)

 

 

 

Hello Life.

You are quite wonderful.