I hit a wall last night. I don’t know why, at that moment, sitting at my dining room table in a good mood studying I all of a sudden burst into tears, but i did, and proceeded to cry for most of the next 18hrs. I acknowledged how much I hate school, I hate the format, how stressed I am regarding getting it all done and how much I want to quit. and how much wanting to quit makes me feel like a failure, because I should be able to handle this. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO! was running through my head. Long talks with my mom as I struggled with what to do ended with her looking me in the eye and telling me to drop the class. As she is perhaps the wisest person I know (and, honestly, the one who understands me the most as I am pretty much a 30year younger version of her) I usually listen to what she says, but still… felt like admitting I wasn’t good enough.
Not good enough to handle school, work, life, travel, other peoples weddings, parties. People do this all the time, you know. Handle school and work and husbands and kids (I don’t have either, that should make it easier, yes?) Why can’t I?
All this is running around my head, making me dizzy. The thought of picking up my school books made me want to throw up. The thought of quitting made me want to cry. (well, I was pretty much already crying, but you know what I mean).
Mom had to leave so she had dad call, and as I sat there crying and telling him I was having a mental breakdown and that I can’t do this and that everything was a mess, he, being dad, stayed calm and told me that logically speaking there is a lot going on and this is what can give. and the reason he, my brilliant highly respected in his field dad, doesn’t have his doctorate, is because he didn’t have time. Priorities. You have to have them.
(reasons my dad is my dad and I am me)
Me: I am having a mental breakdown, dad!!!!
Dad: why do you say that?
Me: because I have been crying for 18hrs and my nose is red and hurts and won’t stop running and I don’t know what to do.
Dad: sounds to me like you are having a nose breakdown, but your mental capacity seems fine.
(only my father)
Somehow it works. Mom understanding how I look at things and Dad telling me the practical non-emotional side and me not crying anymore. I am a very blessed person indeed.
Tonight I cheered for the packers while they won while bemoaning the fact that Rodgers failed miserably in fantasy points in leading them to that win. I couldn’t sleep so I got up and took a long hot bubble bath and read an old favorite of a book. I thought about the fact that the author (my favorite!) has her first new book in 7 years coming out this fall and I am going to have time to read it. I made a to-do list for tomorrow, one that doesn’t involve the 6hrs of studying I was originally planning on.
I am going to pack for a week with one of my closest friends, exploring a new city and cheering my team and climbing a volcano.
I am going to mail invitations for a bachelorette party #1 and order invites for a bridal shower #2.
I am going to make cream cheese mints for bridal shower #1. That one could be interesting.
I am going to chase down my cousin and take her out for a drink and make sure she is okay.
I am going to clean my house enough so that when I get back with the craziness of the next 2 weeks I smile when I walk into my home.
I am going to wrap my nephews birthday present and get together the stuff for his first birthday photo shoot.
I am going to go to JC Pennys and Targets and Davids bridal.
I am going to have a late night dinner with my sister and brother.
The priority in my life is the people in my life. Investing in their lives, letting them in mine, spending time with them, loving every minute. I can’t do that if I am stressing uncontrollably about school. In the list of things I need to do, school is the one I can drop. Being a part of the awesome life that I get to call mine? Not something I am willing to sacrifice for the goal of a degree. This might be a temporary decision. Who knows, I might go back in January. Or I might decide that maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing. I think, though, that I need to redefine my definition of failure, because I think I might just possibly be doing the important things right.