Grandpa

I sat in a weirdly quiet apartment tonight and talked with my grandpa.  We talked about life, about how good his has been, about how much he loved grandma.  How she supported him in everything, but also knocked him down a peg a time or two when he needed it.  How lonely he is now, but not sad, because death is part of life and she is no longer suffering.

He kept looking at the program I made for her service and mentioning how much he loved the picture, how he smiled every time he saw it.

I want that kind of love someday. 

 

 

Tomorrow there will be a pumpkin pie baking.  We all deserve comfort food this week, and that was his choice. 

Grandma

She loved her grandkids.

We loved her.

(grandma and corrie, circa 1988)

 

I don’t think there are words to express how much her love meant to me, how big the loss is.  The shock the first time I walked into the apartment and she wasn’t there to say hi too.

The relief that she can now breathe without gasping, without needing roxinol. That she can get out of bed, move without pain.

I read the letters that have come pouring in, of people who loved my grandma.  Who had stories of bridge games, movie nights in DC, road trips to santa fe.  She made a difference in people’s lives, made the lives of those around a little bit better.  Memories of her have made everyone smile.

That is the best legacy I can think of someone leaving.

There is a little less awesome in the world today than there was a week ago

Time

The thing which we knew was coming, the end we have been preparing for, is coming.  It took longer than we expected, and is happening faster than we want. 

I pray for peace.  For her, and for him, and for my momma and for my aunts.  For us all.  I am grateful for time.  For the love I get to see surrounding this apartment, for the love I know she feels.

Sometime soon I am going to cry.  Crying is good for the soul, right? 

<p>My mom made me new curtains from Alexander Henry fabric, and i adore them :) my mom is awesome!

Reminding

Sometimes I have to remind myself that life is good

When I am having a semester with bad professors and too many group projects

and I constantly questions whether or not I really want to be doing this

and I have been kind of sick for a month and really sick for a week

and I want my best friend to live closer (well, she does, just not close enough)

and I want to sew and take pictures and travel

and not study. or be sick.

at those times I have to remind myself that life is good.

really good.

so VERY VERY GOOD!

(kansas sunset> jamaica sunset)

 

 

 

Hello Life.

You are quite wonderful.

Just Writing.

I should be studying right now, but the fact that I haven’t known what to study the whole semester makes studying for the final challenging.  Instead, I am listening to random music, ordering my best friend a Christmas present, and ignoring my to-do list.  I have people coming for dinner on Saturday, and I am excited, but that means I need to clean my room… which I plan on doing, but that is just about as fun as studying, so here I am. 

Lately I have been contemplating the new year, making plans and then coming up with reasons not to do those plans, and then thinking that I really want to do those plans, I deciding what to me is the most important use of time, money, life.  So many people at work tell me I should do whatever I want now while I am single, but still… I own a house, I committed to school, I love living near family.  My social l life in Wichita so far has consisted of 3 girls, one of whom is moving to Texas next week, one of whom is spending most of her time in Salina, and one that just got custody of her 4 year old niece.  I officially have no one to go out to dinner late at night with anymore.  So… I am going to change some things.  Not sure what, but I am contemplating it.  Of course, my choices are either do the traveling nurse thing, or figure out how to change it while staying here.  We will see.

My house looks like Christmas, and that makes me happy on so many levels.  My tree is fake with white lights, which isn’t my preference, but most of the ornaments are glittery which means it sparkles, and I love me some sparkles.  I about feel off the ladder putting up my outside lights, but it looks good, probably the first time since I bought the house anyone can say that about the outside.

 

I love this girl:

I wish I knew how that relationship was going to work out.

 

Learning to accept things that you have no control over? That one is taking me awhile.  I have had a couple of major meltdowns lately. Fortunately… I have a dad who will listen to me cry hysterically over nothing he can fix, and girlfriends who notice that I need a friend and so agree to drive down for an impromptu Christmas party. I need my girls.

 

I am planning my travel for the next year.  So far I have:

Florida/cruise~ January 28.

Florida for my Birthday/Jessy’s senior trip~ March 16

Wisconsin for Chelsie~ Sometime when it is warm(July?)

Fall football trip~ September

Florida for RaDonna’s Wedding~ November 3

Texas for a potential Elizabeth wedding~ December (no she doesn’t have a ring and yes I am putting it on my calendar.  My experience with Elizabeth is that she gets what she wants).

Other things I know:  I will not go that long without seeing a certain baby so hopefully Ricki brings him home in Summer… or they can move to Arkansas and make it a weekend trip instead of a whole flight.   RaDonna is moving to Nashville, so that would be a fun trip.  And… I am leaving the country.  Maybe to Zimbabwe in April or Rwanda in may?  That comes back to what I am willing to spend money on.   I am thinking Rwanda.  That puts me at a major trip every other month.  Also puts me hopefully gone in the middle of terms to make school easy. I should look that up. 

I want to be content in where I am, but not willing to settle that this is what it is.  make sense?  I want to make the most of it, and know that maybe making the most of it isn’t quitting my job and moving every three months, (because honestly? I don’t make new friends easily and traveling is only fun if there is someone to take pictures with) but staying here, growing in my job, doing school, enjoying my raise (I now make more money than I did in KC.  This makes me happy.) and finding things to get involved with in this community.  I miss having a group. Maybe I need to figure out how to build one.

Maybe I need to sign up for that hockey class I keep checking out.  Just a thought.

Maybe… I need to put my computer to bed and throw in a load of wash while reading a research article.

I miss him:

What my family was thankful for this year

This baby boy is possibly the most loved baby boy ever:

  

 

 

    

 

There is a reason thanksgiving is my favorite day, and this year was approximately 15 pounds better than normal :)

 

Part of you capture.