I want to write, but I don’t want to write.
I want to take pictures, but it is hot. Everything is dead.
I want to plan, but plans change.
I want to make everyone happy, but that is not in my power.
I want to be happy, and honestly? I have been doing a pretty good job of that.
I have smiled more often than not this week. That counts for something.
I am reading the book of John, and learning, once again, how to believe.
I am trusting my instincts more.
I love them. I hope they know it.
I am going back through old pictures from a time when the world wasn’t brown.
Fall will be here soon. Hopefully the rain will come sooner.
There is a lot of healing that needs to go on.
I am learning to let go of that which I have no control over.
It isn’t easy.
Pretty sure life isn’t supposed to be easy.
Maybe easy is overrated.
Maybe I am supposed to be learning how to trust when the answers I so desperately want don’t arrive.
I know for a fact that I over think things.
I know for a fact that other people don’t get the way I think.
I decided when I woke up this morning that I think in snapshots. The reason I can’t always give an immediate answer is because sometimes I have the let the snapshots come together before I can make it a coherent thought.
I told mom my theory and she started laughing, said she had never though of it that way but it made the way I did school make a lot more sense.
I am choosing to believe that good things are going to happen. That people will start smiling again, that a healthy baby boy is going to arrive, that I am going to make it through this phase with a stronger faith than before.
My heart is breaking right now.